Kirstie Allsopp has been in the press for critising the term someone has 'passed' when in fact, in her opinion, they should just say they have died. 

OK. I can see her point, but I think the fact that people are avoiding the word 'death' or 'died' is that it seems, well, final. Whether they have passed or died it is final anyway. But, I think the reason why we are wanting to find a softer way of saying someone has died is because we are afraid of the loss of the physical being. 

One thing I try to get across in my ceremonies is that the physical being is no longer with us, but the person has not left us. From my own personal experience it is the fear of the person not being there that is the scary thing. We are used to someone walking into the room, someone you can ask a question or tell what you have been doing that day. That part, for sure, will be gone, but the person is still with you. In fact I wrote to my father for some time after he had died to contiue my conversation with him. You are at the time scared of the thought that the person will become memories. But, in time it is those memories that carry you and keeps the person who has just died alive. 

If I may use Henrik Ibsen's phrase: 'Eternally owned is but what's lost'. What I want to express by that is that you can only truly keep and cherish forever the things that have slipped through your physical grasp. In this case a loved one. Once someone becomes a memory they are immune to fading away. 

So, cherish the memories and take your loved one with you on your journey.

What will I do as your funeral celebrant?

People often ask me what I actually do as a funeral celebrant. 

If you would like me to be your celebrant at a funeral you are arranging I will design a ceremony that will include what you and your loved ones want. My aim is to always create a meaningful ceremony that reflects the person who has just passed away and to give you a chance to celebrate their life.

I will arrange to meet with you and members of the family to discuss the ceremony and will ask you questions about your loved one in order to get a sense of who they were and what they meant to you. This usually takes about one hour and I keep it as 'light' as possible as we go through the details and build the life story so we can properly reflect on the person's life. 

If a family member or friend is planning on giving a eulogy or a reading I can assist with the wording as well, as reading it on their behalf if they want me to. I will discuss with you the songs, readings and other elements that you would like to include, all designed to reflect the person you have just lost.

On the day of the funeral, I will meet you at the venue where the funeral is taking place. I will lead you and the family in and allow time for people to be seated before leading you through the ceremony during which, if you are giving a eulogy or reading, I will invite you to come to the front of the congregation when it is your time and be at your side for support.

 The power of writing

As a funeral celebrant I have carried out quite a few funeral ceremonies now and often think how do the mourners carry on afterwards. How do they actually deal with their loss? 

I have experienced losses myself and when my father passed away I found myself writing to him about my feelings. I found it was a healing process and eventually the entries became fewer for in the end to stop altogether. But, they gave me a chance to open up and say exactly how I felt about him and how the loss of him affected me and people around me. 

I am therefore a big believer in the idea of 'journaling' as this is exactly what I was doing. And, if you take journaling to another level of actually expressing feelings rather than just, 'I did this today…' it really is a powerful tool to get emotions off your chest. 

My advice is therfore to get a book and a pen and just allow the pen to fill the pages with your inner thoughts. You might find it helps. I hope so. 

From memories to memoirs 

How often have you said, I wish I had asked – and now it's too late?

Having suffered some personal losses lately it came to me that with my parents' generation disappearing we are losing a lot of knowledge and information we wish we had asked and maybe put down the story of their lives. Little by little some of the history gets lost with every generation. 

Now with AI taking over the world and literally re-writing history it is more important than ever that we capture the true stories before they are forgotten or changed.